I'm jealous

It's Mother's Day and I've had a good day...  I was able to sleep in.... my kids cleaned the house for me.... we spent the day together as a family.... what more could I ask for?

What more could I ask for..... sounds so selfish....

I read everyone's posts on Facebook today about their awesome mother's, who are their biggest supporters, give love unconditionally, are there whenever they're needed... how wonderful and lucky they are - and proud - to call their mom, their moms......

And there was a part of me that was just sad... because no matter how hard I try, no matter how forgiving I want to be... I feel jipped.

My mom is ill.  She has the biggest heart, but can flip on a dime.  She can being giving, loving, caring, and supportive... and if one thing gets bumped - I've never seen someone get so mad and nasty toward a FAMILY MEMBER.... and that woman can hold a grudge longer than waiting for the day Jesus will come back to Earth.

I've been told people that are sick, hurt the ones they love the most...

She will say anything to anyone.  I'm not excluded.  She has said things that a mother should never say to a child... and everyone's explanation is... she's sick.

It's hard to forgive sickness...  It's hard to forget what was said.  It's hard to swallow that MY MOM says those things to me, and I'm supposed to apologize to her, for making her treat me that way.  It sucks.

I hope that I don't ever go through whatever she is going through... because I pray that I will never treat my children that way.

I hope they're never jealous on Mother's Day.

Oh, Lincoln... we will get past this.

Can I cave for a minute?  Can I give into self-pity?

For the most part, raising a child with a disability has been good.... some great moments, some not so great.

Right now, we're in the thick of the not so great days.....

Lincoln has been put on a behavioral plan at school.He (primarily) has been slapping, hitting, kicking other kids... throwing toys, swiping desktops clean of their items -- and it can be done in lieu of communication, in frustration, and in protest -- but it is almost never in anger **MOST of the time... but I know, like any other kid - he can get mad.

We have now been kicked out of two classrooms -- He has slapped a child in each class, in the face... and I TOTALLY understand the school's requirement to provide a safe place for all students -- and believe me when I say, this behavior isn't heavier on anyone else's heart than mine, that MY child is doing this.  *sigh...

I am not trained or educated in the behaviors of children with disabilities.  I do not know how to make him stop. I question which discipline is appropriate when he acts up, and what is the best way to teach him to continue displaying the behaviors we as parents, expect.  

I dread every time the phone rinds and my caller ID says, "KM Preschool", because I can bet all the money in the world, they're not calling to tell me he had a great day.

I don't know if I should talk to him about his behavior or say nothing - to avoid planting the next seed.... I've tried both ways and the outcome doesn't seem to change significantly either way.

His plan was supposed to teach him how to ask kids to play with him, help the teachers recognize when his behavior seems to be elevating and how to allow him the space and time to work these feelings out, without aggression.  We never progressed far into the plan to see if we'd have success - he had 2 1/2 days before he slapped someone and we were kicked out.

We are meeting again with the school tomorrow - and they plan to propose the 1:1 time he's currently getting in place of that former classroom time, (now with his Para, the Speech Therapist, and his Spec Ed Teacher) that instead, he will only attend the Special Ed afternoon class, four days a week.  This will be about a 1/3 reduction in time at school for him.  The reasoning behind this proposal is they don't really have the space, academic structure, routines available to occupy his time from 8:45 - 11, three days a week.  I hear them.  I don't agree with this... but I hear them.  I'm discovering - usually the decision is already made.

I don't know if this is a phase in his behavior *I hope it is*, I don't know when his language skills continue to develop, if his frustration level will go down.  I don't know how long it will take, if it ever comes... but I know no matter what I will fight for him.  All. Day. Long.  To figure out how to get him past this.  To get US past this.  I will do it with or without the help of others...

As much as I wish I didn't have to be going through this, I am.  We are.

And it sucks.  :(

Can.not.wait....

So I've been keeping myself busy in my free time:

And in almost 8 days from now.... we're moving onto bigger and better things:

Meet our new home.... a lovely two-story walk out, with lots of space and room to spread out... *no, we're not having any more kids.

I am probably the happiest girl I know.  

Me and the kids are heading up North!  We're charging up the camera batteries, have been telling Lily every day how many more before we leave (*FOUR more days til we go!), making a mental list of what to pack, figuring out how we're going to make the drive without Daddy... potty breaks will be eh... but we'll make it... and then WE'RE GOING TO HAVE FUN, on our weekend with our Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, 2nd cousins... and I know, good times and great memories are on the brink of happening...  I'm not sure who's more excited ... me or Lily.  :)

Lincoln's FIFTH birthday party this weekend was a ton of fun... he sang Happy Birthday to himself, happily and loudly.  He knows that song.  He was rocking it.  Blew out his candles all in one breath... and he opened all of his presents by himself (one shredded sliver of paper at a time) and was being a little silly ham while opening... which had the other little kids giggling - and then he got a little side-tracked on being more silly, and less present opener... oiy.  :)  We got through it though, and the boy made out like a bandit with gifts.  New jammies, socks, Tow Mater (from Disney Cars), new little metal cars, a Cars place mat for eating, Cars silverware, a t-ball set, a gift card for new jeans from Old Navy for school, a couple Vikings t-shirts, a school clothes shopping trip with Grandma, and cash.... SCORE!  And when he was done opening everything and hollered "THANK YOU!"  and decided we needed to swing.

The not-fun party of his party is that Lincoln took off three times, crossing the street and trying to walk into the (vacant) house across from us.  All afternoon, I felt like my heart would go into my throat and I'd ask, "WHERE'S LINCOLN?!?!"  When there are that many people there and you're trying to host, and pick up, and make sure the foods coming out to eat, and etc., etc., .... it's amazing how quickly you can lose track of him for a minute and he's gone.  So the THIRD time he did it, after almost everyone had left, and it was getting dark anyway - his consequence was having to come inside.  This mom can't wait to have a fenced in yard.  OOOOooooo he's a turkey.

All in all, it's hard to believe it's been FIVE years ago this little man came into our world... it's been an awesome ride... so grateful to be his mama.

Celebration Boy

When one door closes, another one opens...

Yesterday was tough and awesome, all wrapped into one...

I had a meeting with Lincoln's school... assessing him.  These tests are done every three years, and generally assess his developmental and cognitive abilities....  I knew what they were going to say.  I expected it.  I know my son was born with Down Syndrome.  I understand what that means... it still sucks to hear it, detailed out... just exactly how far behind he is.  Compared to a typical kid... you know, they were super aware of telling me how awesome he is too, and making sure to mention all the strides we've made... but it still sucked.  Big. Time.

Self-pity party.  Party of one.  Right here.  Cried until I didn't think there were tears left.  Then cried more.  UGH.

THEN, my boy decided that it would be ok, to take a 2nd bite of some canned sweet potatoes (don't hate.  I've never bought or made a fresh one, but I see it happening in my near future) that I pureed.  AND then a banana!!  This was one of those moments when only a mom who's been waiting for four years for her son to eat table food - even if it was mashed up...- happened, and I stood there and held back more tears... happy ones this time.

Still fighting back tears today... knowing this is the story of the rest of our lives... grateful to have been given all that we have, celebrating each achievement as them come... and then feeling a little sad at the same time.

But, we'll get through this... we will come out on top, as better, stronger people, with more compassion and empathy because of it.  And there's nothing to complain about when you keep that perspective...

Today's a new day.  It's sunny, warm, and we have Spring Programs for Lincoln tonight, and Lily tomorrow.  School's almost out.  Summer's on the horizon.  ♥

Someone pinch me.

I started packing in 2004.  The sign went in the yard.... yesterday.  This is a true statement.  I think I'm dreaming.  Someone pinch me.

I'm not sure where the boxes went that I packed... or even if we still own them.  And really, at this point -- they should just go directly to Goodwill... but I'm so happy I could (try to) do a cartwheel!  Lily on the other hand is a little less happy... this the only place she's ever lived.  And no matter how many kids we're going to live by, how much nicer the new house will be... this is her home.    I think Lincoln and Lucy are just wondering where their stuff went.  :)

So we've been talking about Open House's, Showing's... a bunch of Realtor stuff.  Our first open house is this Saturday.  *nothing like going on the market on Wednesday, showing on Saturday* and we talked about lead time on a showing... since I've never owned a home before this, I had no idea what the 'standard' request for an owner to vacate the property for a showing would be, but I was hoping for 30 minutes.  My father-in-law (who is also our Realtor) said, "Really... there's no way you're going to get the dogs kenneled, house picked up, everyone's coats on and loaded in the van in 30 minutes.  Let's put down a two hour notice."  TWO HOURS??!!  Will people wait that long?!?  Sa-weet!  And while it might not take me two hours to pick up and vacate.... especially since I packed up threw out most of the junky little toys (from McDonald's that we just CAN NOT throw away).... that Lincoln gets the rush from dumping all over the living room floor...  It's nice to know I have that time to get out.

So we're building.  A. New. House.  We picked out and put a deposit on our lot and we're reviewing house layouts.  I want (yes, I said want) a Split.  I love the entry, the bigger foyer, the coat closet in the landing... we're planning an open concept upper floor, big great room for the living/dining/kitchen... with an island... all bathrooms with linen closets, all bedrooms with walk in closets... master bath... seriously... I am in heaven.  I can not wait to host Thanksgiving.

Tonight, after we get home from Huntington, and all baby's are in bed, I'm planning to do more cleaning /packing -- starting with the upstairs toy box.

This girl is motivated.  We are MOVING.  WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO!!!  And I'm happy...

And we celebrated...

Just arrived!  So excited!!

Last weekend we went to Chuck E. Cheese to celebrate... my big girl brought home THREE S+'s... one on Spelling (which is typical - she usually always gets an S+ on spelling), one on her weekly book test - every week the class reads a book together, and the test is on Friday.  There is a multiple choice - mostly word context and definitions, and a comprehension fill in the blank section.  This is her FIRST S+ on that test... and the biggest achievement, an S+ on her January monthly individual review test... so essentially, it summarizes everything they've learned in the month of January -- and my girl brought her FIRST S+ on that too... oh, I was proud... like tears-welled-up, proud.  Told her we were going to celebrate -- her choice -- whatever she wanted to do.  She chose Chuck E. Cheese.  *not to eat there, just to play there... and so we did.



Look at all those tickets!!!  Whoa!

 

Wooohooo!  We won a special dinosaur token!
*actually, we won two!  Highlight of the night!!

It was a good time... she's been working so hard in school, it was time to have a little fun and celebrate the accomplishments she's achieved!!

I'm sure it won't be long, and we'll be going back for more celebrations... we have Parent/Teacher Conferences next week.  We're excited to hear what Mrs. Raaen has to say about Lily's hard work...                 

WTG Lily Gwen.  Mama's proud of you.  ♥  Keep up the GREAT work!